STFU - A Guide For People Who Talk Too Much

Ask anyone who knows me, and they'll say I'm a talker. Ask anyone who has known me for a few years, and they will likely say I talk too much. Ask someone who just met me, and they might wonder where you got that idea.

Years ago, I started to evaluate TTM Syndrome (Talk To Much... don't look for it in medical journals, it ain't there, I'm sure) and as I started to look at other TTMs, I was surprised.

Yes, my self-diagnosis started with someone who actually talked more than I did (and had less of a filter; something I wasn't sure was possible). Make no mistake, this was one of the smartest people I had ever met. In our more meritocratic communities (my work in Technology, for example) this wasn't (always) seen as a bad thing, but that kind of behavior doesn't foster brainstorming and creative problem solving in others.

So, in light of the fact that I just "talked too much" in the intro, here is a guide I made for myself. Edited and updated over the last few months. It was intended to be a book, but I feel just the outline is probably suitable enough for the task.

And, rare for me, concise.

STFU - A Guide To Conversation For People Who Talk Too Much

Self-Identifying

• How to identify if you talk too much

• Co-workers turning away from you and focusing on the keyboard
• Family and friends actively disengaging

• Walking away
• Cutting you short
• Steering the conversation to something else

• Spotting the “I want to say something” pose(s)
• Look at the people around you. Quiz yourself:

• What do they know about you.  Your spouse? Kids? Hobbies?
• Do you know the same thing about each of them?

• If you have been listening, you should!

• (this applies to all situations with a “repeat audience” such as

• Work
• Friends
• Social gatherings (Church, meetups)

• Do you catch yourself repeating stories to the same people

• Their body language will help you know (or tell you they aren’t interested)
• Do you know THEIR stories?
• Do people not respond to your hints about stories you want to tell?

• “I had the strangest thing happen”
• *crickets*
• or “I was thinking of traveling to Europe”
• *more crickets*

• Toxic talking

• Never, ever, ever one-up the other person or people

• Them: My daughter just placed first in a dance competition!
• You: I remember my son’s first gold medal in piano

• And guitar
• And swimming

• Never ever demean someone or minimize their situation

• ...and my son tried dance, but said it wasn’t challenging enough
• He didn't like hockey

• Or make excuses

• He had a bad coach

• Remember,  it's about THEIR STORY not yours

• Instead, ask more.  Learn!

• What kind of dance does she do?
• Individual or team?
• How long has she been doing it?
• (you want to excel at conversation? Try these)

• Who else dances in her family?
• What’s next for her?
• I would love to see a competition

• (check the creepiness at the door, however)

• Don't bring up other dancers you know… it's THEIR STORY

• Eventually you will talk about yourself. It's called “relating”.

• But not now. STFU about yourself

• Meetings

• Confident people help other people drive their agenda

• If all the ideas are yours, you are talking “wrong”
• Maybe not too much, but you need to learn to “muse” and get other’s juices flowing

• Instead of “devil’s advocate”, avoid the adversarial and try “how can we make this work?”
• Pay attention to interests which people show.  Take notes on people, not just facts
• If you need a reminder to STFU in meetings,  offer to take notes

• This is an area with significant gender inequality. Don't make the ladies take notes unless it is explicitly their job
• If you are a lady and you are often in this role,  and it is not your job,  you probably don't talk to much.  You may just be outgoing and organized

• Or you are a control freak who is the only one who can do it right.  Different problem.

• One-on-One’s

• Start with them.  Don’t press your agenda first
• End with them!  Your agenda should be designed to loosen them up and get them thinking
• Close with “any time you need something, my door is open”

• Make sure they understand that a one-on-one is not their only forum

• DO ONE-ON-ONE’s!  If you aren’t meeting with individuals as needed (weekly or bi-weekly) you aren’t doing it right
• Direct your leadership team to do one-on-one’s, as well

Other-Identifying

• Look around you for other people who talk to much

• TTMs in personal life
• TTMs in professional life
• TTMs online (Facebook, Forums)
• TTS at family get-togethers
• STFU so you can find these others (after all, they need to talk so you may identify them) and watch how people react

• If people react positively, maybe they are just outgoing and don't Tom
• Over time, you will learn the difference. See the next section:

Talkers versus “talk too much”

• Not all talkers talk too much.  You do, though
• Nervous talkers. Often talk too much And aren't very good at it

• (A bad combination)

• Acceptably gregarious personalities

• Life of the party who draws people in
• Engaging story tellers who “share the stage”
• VIPs in the room

• I was once told, before a meeting with 20+ people who outranked me, including a CEO, “she needs to be the funniest in the room. You will be tempted to, but don't even TRY!”
• This wasn't a negative comment about her, it was appropriate coaching for me to know my place. Harsh, but true.

Friendly versus good listeners

• Your waitress isn’t flirting.  It’s her job

• This is so many other people, as well

• Your coworker  or acquaintance may feel the need to listen for many reasons

• Don't trap them or prey on their good will/politeness/timidity

The Impact of Talking Too Much

• Echo chambers

• If you are the only one talking,  you will tend to think others agree with you because of the lack of dissent
• I believe this to be a characteristic  of many “old school” leaders

• And annoying people on Facebook  whose friends don't want to start a fight

• Resentment

• From other talkers. They want to tell their story
• From non-talkers. They may feel left out or overpowered
• Your words carry no weight

• Ignorance

• You don't learn with your mouth open

Some Possible Causes to be aware of

• Medication
• Hungry for Acceptance
• Arrogance
• Just friendly, but unobservant

Your path to insane popularity (well, at least social, conversational acceptance)

• Stop dominating conversations
• Call out others to contribute
• Use your words to uplift others, NOT to reinforce your ideas
• Never, ever, ever bullshit your way through a conversation
• Never ever talk over someone else.  Cede the conversation

• Exceptions: oppressed groups should not easily cede the conversation (usually)
• Ex: Ladies, examine the patterns in your circle. don't cede too much, but don't use it as an excuse to never STFU.  

• I know it's a controversial statement.  DWI

• Interrupt yourself to see who’s listening

• Consider stopping mid-story. You may be surprised when you aren't asked to continue. I call this “a hint”. STFU
• If they don’t prompt you to continue, don’t get butthurt, just stop

• Listen to stories.  The second you find yourself thinking “I can’t wait until I can tell MY story” then you are failing.  Don’t tell your story.

• In time, you’ll learn when you CAN tell your story.  Not now, though.  STFU

• Go Beyond Active Listening

• Don’t just “repeat to show you understand”, but ask questions

• This means you may not get the chance to tell your story
• ...which is just fine